Depending upon what side of bed I got out of, I’ve either laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of some comments I’ve received over the years or I’ve burst into tears (and both have happened on more than one occasion!)
The purpose of writing is that I want to share some of the comments I’ve personally received from friends, family, colleagues (and even random strangers in the street) over my 5-year fertility journey. Some still amaze me that they even got said and others are just water off a duck’s back now I’ve had time to reflect – here are my top ten favourites:
- “You will never experience real love until you’ve had a child”. Wow! Now that one hurt… fortunately I have experienced real love as I love my husband, my family, my friends all so very deeply and I know how lucky I am to have that. I even love my cat so much! There – I said it. Yes, the love may be ‘different’ however please refrain from insulting me by suggesting that I have never experienced love.
- “Why don’t you just adopt” – please people…have you ever stopped for one second to even consider what a huge decision that is? It’s a whole different ball game in my view and a decision that certainly isn’t taken lightly. Again, quite insulting for those fabulous folks who do go down that route. It was probing enough being ‘matched’ with my cat at Battersea Rescue Centre and I cannot even begin to imagine the emotional journey you go through when you adopt an actual human being.
- “Why don’t you just have IVF” (often then followed with; “my friend had it and now has a beautiful little boy/girl so it worked for her”) – similarly to the above, its not a decision to be taken lightly emotionally, physically and/or financially. Very few people know that we were declined IVF at the age of 34 as I was deemed ‘too old’ in the catchment area of Windsor and it is still unfortunately a postcode lottery. I also know someone who has re-mortgaged their house as a result and who have had endless counselling and support to go through it so not something as ‘easy’ as some may think it is. Of course, there are many wonderful success stories and ‘miracle babies’ out there but you often don’t hear about those situations that don’t work out so well.
- “You can have my kids if you like” – I appreciate the intentions are caring and I get huge value from being an auntie, god-parent and spending time with my friend’s children however the point is that the desire stems from having your own child and that is very different indeed.
- “Oh, but you go on so many holidays and do wonderful things; I’d love to have what you have and do what you do” – admittedly we do go on fabulous trips and have an awesome time doing some fun stuff however what do you expect we’re gonna do when we don’t have childcare responsibilities? Sit at home moping about crying endlessly? Take a second to think about why we can do those things and be mindful that not all may be as it seems behind closed doors.
- “You ain’t getting any younger – when are you gonna have kids then?” – oh, hold on, thanks for the reminder, I hadn’t realised the years were ticking away you imbecile!
7. Conversely; “You’re still so young – you’ve got ages yet” often followed by ‘my friend Barbara had a baby at 76 and she’s loving it’ or something equally as insane! - “Oooh, have you tried XXX (insert any form of alternative therapy / guru / remedy / intervention / process or procedure proven in Timbuktu etc..)? – chances are, yes I probably have tried it as we tried many things over the years ranging from darn right obvious to the most comical (TBC in a later blog!).
- “Are you actually having enough sex?” or I even got once “do you know you need to do it regularly?”…now mind your own damn business as I’m not interested in your sex life so keep your nose out of mine!
- “Any news…….?” I know this comes from a caring place however when you get asked constantly, it gets a bit grating month after month, year after year! Please be assured that if I had news to share, I would do so in my own sweet time
Whilst we’re here, 3 more to throw in for good measure: - But you’re so lucky you’ve got a nice slim figure and flat tummy….?!
- You just need to relax…. It’s pretty ironic that I feel instantly more stressed every time I hear someone say that to me!
- But you’ve been so focused on your career it’s not a surprise it hasn’t happened yet – no comment!
A couple of observations and learnings I’ve taken away, which have also helped me minimise the personal impact of such comments:
- Often folks are wrapped up so tightly in their own world that they haven’t even realised they’ve said something so potentially hurtful; no maliciousness is intended in anyway and they’d be mortified if they knew it offended or upset you.
- Often comments arise genuinely through caring (about 90%) however some come through sheer ignorance! What, you don’t have kids? Ooooh, why not? And they continue to probe despite the glaringly obvious uncomfortableness! That speaks volumes about their emotional intelligence and has nothing to do with you.
- Conversations around kids/families is simple every day small talk and to some, its as benign as talking about the weather! So – you know what, it’s a conversation when you’re a certain age that is never gonna go away so I’ve got to deal with it.
- The reality is that those who ask quite often couldn’t give a flying f*ck what you actually answer! I’m serious! If I said I had 15 kids Vs none, they wouldn’t bat an eyelid as they probably haven’t even listened to your answer anyway! Ha ha!!
Anyone reading this and wondering what to say as an alternative, my simple advice is:
- Stop to think about why you are asking (is it to be nosy or just making small talk)? If it’s to show you care, then there are plenty of other ways you can show that.
- If in any doubt, refrain from saying anything at all as that’s my personal preference and I’ll share what I want with whom at a time that’s right for me.
Unfortunately, I know many of these comments are very common – I would love to hear the insanely ridiculous to the hurtful comments you’ve all heard as I know it will help to know you aren’t alone. That includes you too please gentlemen….